Kenneth Branagh plays Hamlet in 2007. Photograph: Everett Collection/Rex Features

Media Monkey: Arise, Sir Kenneth! BBC Breakfast has 'knighted' Kenneth Branagh

Sir Trevor McDonald on News at Ten. Photograph: ITV

Media Monkey: Sir Trevor McDonald's departure was very low key ... Monkey misses him already

The end of a tricky few days for Mark Thompson. Photograph: AFP/Getty

Mark Thompson, director general of the BBC, may have been dealing with a double-whammy of announcements from the BBC Trust today – the trustees' rejection of the BBC's local online video plans and their assessment of the Jonathan Ross and Russell Brand debacle. But Thommo was still doing a passable grace under pressure impression at today's Ofcom conference on the future of the web. "As you can hear it's getting to the end of another quiet week at the BBC," he deadpanned, after the introduction from the chair outlined the latest trifling developments for the corporation.

Thompson went on to share the fact that his wife called him out of the shower earlier this week and demanded that he call John Sergeant immediately. "It'll tell you something about my job that I can be standing there dripping with water talking to someone I worked with for many years debating whether for his final, final show on Strictly Come Dancing he should do the waltz or the pasa doble. These are the kinds of policy questions I've got to face every day." It's good to see Thompson is keeping his sense of humour in difficult times. But Monkey is still trying to erase the troubling mental image.

The PR award of the day goes to bug extermination firm Rentokil for the launch of a website it rather loftily trumpets as the "Wikipedia of pest control". The website, despite being run by Rentokil, rather touchingly describes pests as "simply wildlife in the wrong place". That's right, fellas. The wildlife is a cockroach and the wrong place is Monkey's shower. Get medieval on those critters! Anyway, for the more dedicated bug fans among you there is a "gallery of technically accurate artwork ... including both paintings and drawings". If you happen to be about to go on ITV1's I'm A Celebrity, Get Me Out Of Here!, there is another name for this website. It's called a menu.

John Sergeant dancing with Kristina Rihanoff during a dress rehearsal for Strictly Come Dancing. Photograph: Guy Levy/BBC/PA

Clearly suffering from a lack of anything proper to talk about, Strictly Come Dancing viewers have been flooding the show's messageboards to complain about John Sergeant's very sensible decision to bail from the time-wasting reality show before it completely destroyed his last remaining threads of dignity. Not content with unleashing an unnecessarily malicious and humourless pack of dance judges on the public's favourite Paso Doblist, the BBC decided in its infinite wisdom to take the Strictly Come Dancing messageboard offline at 10pm last night because it couldn't handle the volume of comments. Monkey pities the poor comments moderators - and thinks that nasty Arlene Phillips woman should be put on the team as punishment.

Mobile company 3 has never been shy about rubbing rivals' noses in the dirt of defeat. So it was on with the thinking caps at 3 towers earlier this week after the firm won a victory - well, a partial triumph - in a ruling by the Advertising Standards Authority over T-Mobile's ads claiming it offered the cheapest deal in town for free minutes a month. The outcome: a viral spoof of T-Mobile's less than wholesome "man puts hand up a cow's arse seeking best mobile deal" TV ad re-engineered to see a triumphant, if slightly gunk-sodden, 3 logo emerge from said bovine's nether regions. Probably best not to watch it while you're eating ...

ITV

So how will ITV mark Sir Trevor McDonald's departure from News at Ten? Sir Trev will sign off for the last time tonight. The last time he retired from newsreading in December 2005 there was a big fanfare. There was a personal farewell to viewers, a tribute on the 6.30pm news and an interview on the BBC. However, it, er ... turned out not to be his final And Finally and he was back two years later to relaunch News at Ten. So will there be quite such a big hoo-ha this time in case Sir Trev does a Frank Sinatra again? Suggestions that Ant and Dec will hand over live to him from the jungle and Trev will shout "I'm A Celebrity ... Get Me Out of Here!" are apparently wide of the mark.

Fiona Bruce: Antiques Roadshow host made a startling discovery. Photograph: BBC

The BBC canteen has a new item on the menu it seems - spiders. Antiques Roadshow presenter Fiona Bruce sat down to a meal to find one of the critters in her food. 'She had a complete fit,' a source tells the Sun.

A bit creepy? Charlian.co.uk

See what mischief those techies can get up to when they are let out to play? The star attraction at the Guardian's inaugural hack day – that's "hacking together bits of technology and content" – last week was a bastardised version of guardian.co.uk showing only content by, or about, a certain Charlie Brooker. They renamed the site "charlian.co.uk", which is where you can find it all. Monkey sought out Brooker, who, in his reaction to charlian.co.uk, sounded some way down the path to the witness protection programme: "It's a bit like watching serial killer movies," he ruminates, "that moment when they find a hidden shrine with hundreds of surveillance shots and rose petals nailed over the eyes..."

The Sun

The history of the second world war doesn't often make it onto the front page of the Sun, but it does today. Under the headline: "Hitler: One ball mystery is solved", the paper informs its readers that it has discovered "amazing evidence" to prove that the Nazi dictator did only have one testicle. Phew.

Monkey doesn't know what all this fuss is about John Sergeant being distracted by his love for the Guardian when he should really be concentrating on his moves for Strictly Come Dancing. When a colleague called his mobile to comment on the US election for the Monday MediaGuardian section the other week, Sergeant huffed and puffed and insisted that he couldn't possibly speak to the paper about the subject. "People know I am doing Strictly Come Dancing at the moment ... I can't be seen speaking about the American election, not at this time" There's priorities for you. Maybe he's more of an Independent man after all?

The BBC may be a non-commercial public service broadcaster - but you wouldn't think it when it comes to scheduling. Monkey hears that BBC1 played hardball with ITV1 over the schedule for Saturday December 6, which was finalised today, threatening to put Strictly Come Dancing up against The X Factor. In the swap of initial schedules between the broadcasters earlier this week, BBC1 listed Strictly as starting at 6.05pm and ending at 7.25pm. But when it saw ITV1's outline schedule - which had The X Factor at 7pm, Harry Hill's TV Burp at 8.15pm, The X Factor result at 8.45pm, and The British Comedy Awards between 9.15pm and 10.45pm - BBC1 came back with a new lineup that saw its shows shunted back by 30 minutes. This had Strictly due to begin at 6.35pm and ending at 7.55pm. When ITV1 refused to change its schedule, BBC1 went back to its original line-up, saving fans of both reality shows some hassle in having to switch between the two. Meanwhile, Monkey hears that Lee Mack is close to being confirmed as the new host of the comedy awards, replacing Jonathan Ross.

Tina Brown's Daily Beast website has fallen victim to an unfortunate hoax involving the First Lady elect and the winner of TV fashion show, Project Runway. The nascent website reported that designer Jac McCarroll, who won the first series of Project Runway, had agreed to design an outfit for Michelle Obama. Except, due to an unfortunate mix-up, the dress was designed not by McCarroll but a friend of musician Jay McCarrol, who was emailed by mistake. One "l", not two, see? If that sounds like a long and complicated story, then it is, and Monkey is also running the risk that this is a hoax about a hoax. In which case we disown it entirely. Read all about it here. You would have thought the hat designed like a question mark would have given the game away, wouldn't you?

Timmy Mallett: pictured with mini-mallet

The Sun launches an unusual campaign today – to find Timmy Mallett's mallet. The 1980s kid's TV star's foam hammer, which he used to bash contestants on his ITV show Wacaday, was stolen at one of his Wacagigs – in 2002. But it has now appeared in a photo on Facebook – and Mallett wants it back.

Helen Mirren: 'Thank you for the view.' Photograph: Mario Anzuoni/Reuters

Chrissy Iley's interview with Dame Helen Mirren in the Sunday Times magazine at the weekend has been the talk of the media industry today, particularly the final paragraph. Monkey feels it is only right to re-print it in its full glory. "As I get up to go, she stops me and says, 'And thank you for the view.' I blush. I was jet-lagged, I had no clean underwear, so I'd gone without. I didn't think she'd notice. But she did. And she laughs, the minx." Far too much information for a Sunday, Chrissy!